My name is Hamish Hardgrove. Having spent the last hour or so reading Wikipedia’s breakdown of quantum mechanics, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be to hit this house party head on. After that kind of preparation, of course my conversation game is on point. I could simply not be more primed to waltz into this social setting, exchange pleasantries with some of my acquaintances, and get down to business answering the universe’s big questions. I can already taste the blown minds and broken hearts in my immediate future.
The thing is that Einstein was wrong. The ‘Interactions with other scientific theories’ section of the Wikipedia article taught me that, if nothing else. The speed of light is not a constant. There are no constants. We want there to be order and structure in the universe but there isn’t any. Today’s scientists still don’t understand most of the things they observe at a subatomic level. So what does that make us? What even are we? These are the kinds of questions, and more, that people need to be faced with. And the big work is about to get done at Katie’s 21st.
Not everyone wants to face the truth, but that just makes what I do all the more important. Trust me, I’ve been known to go from zero to D&M in under 60 seconds. And it’s all in the name of getting to main event, the big cheese; Wikipedia’s ‘Philosophical implications’ section. That’s the stuff you can really sink your teeth into. Don’t get me wrong, I have the entire ‘History’ and ‘Examples’ sections holstered too, just in case, but I won’t need them. How do I do what I do? It’s simple. If Katie’s telling me about her new cat ‘Sammy’? Hey Katie, have you ever heard about Schrödinger’s cat? Done. Subject changed, perceptions of reality altered forever. Have I been to the movies recently? Yes I goddamn have and I saw Interstellar and here’s my take on it. Oh what’s that Katie? You’ve been doing a lot of pilates lately? You know what else bends? Space time.
I didn’t ask for this burden, but I manned up and took on the responsibility. Now if you’ll excuse me, this Wiki article isn’t going to slowly edge a girl into a corner and recite itself.