A 26 year old die-hard Limp Bizkit fan named James Murphy was spotted yesterday continuing to roll through a suburban park. Deeply inspired by the second single on 2000’s Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water, Murphy has reportedly been performing constant forward rolls for almost 14 years now. In his early teens when the nu-metal hit was released, the Limp Bizkit devotee took lead singer Fred Durst’s instructions to “keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’” extremely seriously. “I’m the one true fan left,” he allegedly shouted as he tumbled past reporters yesterday afternoon, “some others rolled for a couple of months back in the early noughties, but none of them even lasted the year. It was pathetic, but I kept rollin’.” And he has no plans to stop without permission.
Murphy told press that he listens carefully to the band’s lyrics during meetings with his devoted sister, who has to track him down each week and chase after him with a boombox. It’s in these moments that he hopes to receive updated instructions. “I’ve been ready for my next task for a long while now,” he explained, “but LB’s songs are all just loose metaphors about sex or despair, nothing concrete that I can act on. In fact, if Fred’s out there listening, just a suggestion… How about a song called ‘cease rolling’? It’s obviously up to you but I think something like that could be huge.” Despite his highest hopes, Murphy told reporters he would also settle for an album called ‘walking is sometimes okay’ or ‘these days rollin’ is best reserved for the weekends’.