Man three years into relationship still pretending to like art

Brian obligingly stands in front of dots for 30 seconds.    (Photo: Atomische * Tom Giebel)Brian obligingly stands in front of dots for 30 seconds.    (Photo: Atomische * Tom Giebel)

Reports revealed yesterday that 28-year-old Brian Stegar still acts excited when his long-term girlfriend takes him to an art gallery. All too aware of his partner’s artistic interests, Stegar has managed to keep up a dangerous charade for 3 years, 4 months and counting. “I told her I liked Jackson Pollock when we started dating cos it sounded like a cool thing to say,” explained the electrical engineer, “unfortunately it’s gotten to a point where it’s too late to back out. This is just who I am now.”

The news emerged after the couple’s recent trip to the National Portrait Gallery, where Brian dutifully stared at paintings of people’s faces for 3 whole hours. “My favourite ones were the ones with the chairs near them,” Stegar muttered to himself as his girlfriend Jenny broke down her top ten in order. “Sometimes I like the wrong ones,” Stegar admitted to the press, “then there’s a discussion. And that’s a problem because my favourites are always the ones that have the most blue in them.” Despite his cluelessness, Brian insisted he’d come a long way since the beginning. “I’ve learnt a lot of things” he explained, “ever since the Guggenheim fiasco of 2011, when I said the highlight was a chair that didn’t form part of the exhibition. Now I’m a veteran.”

“These days I employ my golden 3-step formula: Squint, nod, repeat. It works like a charm. Then when asked your opinion, all you have to do is notice something small. It can be whatever you want. For example, you could say ‘I really like that little boat in the background’ and boom. All of a sudden you look mad thoughtful and the conversation’s over.”

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