New iPhone 6 still can’t replace her

The iPhone 6 can't bring back the one thing you want the most. (Photo: Worldleaks)The iPhone 6 can't bring back the one thing you want the most. (Photo: Worldleaks)

A series of exciting new features were announced this morning at the release of the iPhone 6 and yet none of them will bring her back into your arms once more. Apple’s long awaited unveiling event detailed the mobile’s improved camera, enhanced screen resolution and enlarged size but made no mention of any capacity for the device to fill the enormous hole she left in your heart all those years ago or convince her to give you just one more chance. The phone’s upgraded specs largely satisfied Apple faithfuls who feared its processor was drifting behind competitors and Samsung users will likely be impressed with the introduction of the iPhone Plus but at the end of the day you may never feel that way about another woman and nothing in these products will lead you any closer to finding that kind of love again.

Apple CEO Tim Cook also showed the world for the first time the keenly anticipated iWatch which can interact wirelessly with all Mac products but this will not approach the effortless intimacy the two of you always shared that you so foolishly took for granted at the time and will probably never be able to recreate. The revolutionary Apple Pay system was also explained at the marquee event as a quick and easy way to pay for products at checkout, kind of like how for the rest of your life you will be paying for letting her go when you could have fought so much harder and now you will never know for sure if things could have been different if you’d just stood up for yourself for once. The iPhone 6 will be available in stores in Australia from 19 September, but you may never even see her again.

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