Pitt family takes out hit on Doug

January 30, 2013 10:00 AM

Doug Pitt (right) on the night of his murder. (Photo: Chris Paine)

Virgin Mobile mouthpiece Doug Pitt was killed late last night in a manner which police say clearly indicated an execution. In an official statement made to press, authorities firmly implicated Pitt’s parents and his brother, Hollywood actor Brad Pitt, in commissioning the crime. Doug Pitt rose to prominence recently through a series of commercials for Virgin, where he played upon his relationship with his famous brother for allegedly comedic effect.

Police are convinced that the only identifiable motive for the murder was the disgrace Doug had brought upon his family name. “The Pitt name was one of the most revered and desired around the world,” said Chief Constable Cullen. “This Doug character dragged his family legacy through the mud, kicking and screaming.”

The Chief Constable also noted that Doug’s family would have had the longest to develop a plan to have him shot. “The public at large are only just realising the extremely detrimental effect Doug has on those subjected to him,” the Constable explained, “however, his family would have known this for a long time, providing them a perfectly understandable reason to have him killed.”

James Grint – an aptly awkward replacement. (Photo: Yahoo UK)

Spokesperson for Virgin Mobile Aaron Nelson expressed remorse on behalf of the company. “Never before have we been lucky enough to find someone so ready to exploit himself and his family,” Nelson said. “Given his brother was wealthy enough to ensure he would never want for anything, we were unsure whether Doug would be interested. But he couldn’t have been keener, all he needed was a good deal of attention and what ended up being quite a measly amount of money.” Virgin also announced that they are currently pursuing James Grint, brother of Harry Potter star Rupert, to take over Doug’s role.

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