Millions across the globe were shocked yesterday when the position of Pope within the Catholic Church was reaffirmed as still being a thing. Citizens in hundreds of countries came together in surprise that the concept of a Pope was still something people took seriously and supported. The Pope is a religious figurehead who controls the organisation with the largest accumulated wealth in the world. The position is traditionally reserved for very old men, and is marked by outlandish outfits and broad conservative statements. Despite these characteristics, many people around the world nod sincerely instead of laughing or crying when reminded that Popes are still around.
“I hadn’t heard about the Pope for a while and just figured people had finally gotten over it,” lamented Australian man Pete Hickey, “but nope, you turn on the news and there he is again, a big Pope.” Some have asked how the current Pope’s resignation will affect the ongoing agreement among humans that a Pope is something we’re comfortable with. “If anything, a new Pope will further legitimise the presence of Popes,” explained Pope expert Natalie Forsyth, “every time there’s a new Pope people get a bit crazy. They start looking at Popes like individuals, rather than as a long, homogeneous thousand year gloop of old white guys.”
Pope Benedict XVI himself admitted he was a tad surprised people still took him seriously. “People are so reverential,” he was heard telling a cardinal, “I’m just a man in a hat.”