Meet Bill, the Stephen Hawking of making small talk about dip

A hero for a new era.A hero for a new era.

This is Bill Porter. He brought home-made guacamole to this party and boy does he remember how much lemon he put in it. He’s the king of dip chat and everybody knows it. It’s like watching Michael Jordan in 1993. “Don’t you love avocado? It can be put to so many great uses.” This guy is good. Take a chip, sit back, and watch the show. “Salads, BLAT’s, the list goes on.” It sure does. A true master in his prime. He’s very happy, by the way, to hear any feedback you may have about the levels of coriander in the guacamole, he’s a bit nervous he used too much this time.

“Don’t get me started on hummus,” awwwwwwww here we go, “I call it the liquid gold of Persia. Is hummus a liquid? It’s pretty dense but I’m going to say it’s a liquid.” This guy could go forever. He’s like Usain Bolt and Steve Moneghetti all rolled into one, only it’s 2015 and he’s in Balmain standing in a backyard lobbing platinum tidbits about like it’s NOTHING. This is what it would have been like to meet Tutankhamun. “How do we feel about caviar? Are we pro or anti? I’ve got mixed thoughts…mmm yes, good point Jen”. Bill with the assist! He knows good and well how passionate Jen is about modern fishing practices, and he’s given her a platform without stepping on any toes. So graceful, considerate. If Benazir Bhutto and Stephen Fry had a baby who was trained as a Jedi that kid would probably kill himself after one look at this 84kg of pure delight.

“There’s actually an old family story behind this guac recipe, would you like to hear it?” Would they like to hear it, Bill? Good one. Is the Pope a Catholic who would also be frothing to hear this tale just like any other sane man, woman or child on this beautiful planet? Give it to ’em slow. “Well, my grandfather was Italian as most of you know. He used oregano, garlic and a special sour cream, he came up with it himself.” SHIVER ME TIMBERS. On the 9th day God made Bill and he took his time. Every word is like an epiphany and an orgasm on a boat. What a number 1, golden ticket, Ferrero Rocher, MVP, 5 star gift to humanity. “Don’t forget to gar-lick your fingers!” Ahhhhhhh Bill you fucked it.

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