We gave one man the power to travel through time, he went back to 2012 to give himself a massage

Just selfish.Just selfish.

We gave Graham the chance to travel to any time period in history. He could have visited the Ancient Egyptians, taken down Hitler or even had a look at some dinosaurs. Instead, the selfish a-hole returned to August of 2012 to give himself a back rub. Graham could not have let us down more if he tried. Time travel is an enormous step for humanity, and the machine we developed could only be used by one person. We chose Graham from thousands of applicants and he fucked us hard.

Graham apparently couldn’t give two shits about the Holocaust. Sure, millions died but that isn’t as important as your tense shoulders on a Friday afternoon three years ago is it Graham? I bet you were under a lot of stress at the time. You probably needed some strong warm hands to rub a bit of oil on your neck. Oh we feel for you. That must have been tough.

Of course it’s possible that wasn’t quite as big a tragedy as, say, the outbreak of World War 1 or, I don’t know, the crucifixion of Jesus Christ himself. At the very least, Jesus could have done with an AD rub down. How about giving Franz Ferdinand a once over so good he stays home? But no, you only think about yourself don’t you Graham. The lives of millions and the trajectory of society on earth was solely entrusted to you and all we got was a world where one day, a month before the London Olympics, Graham felt slightly more massaged. Great. We hope you’re happy, Graham. If we could go back in time we would, but you squandered it for us all.

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