You’re never more than ten metres from a rat, his name is Carl and he just wants to get to know you

Carl is always there.Carl is always there.

They say wherever you go in a big city, you’ll never be too far from a rat. What they don’t tell you is he’s called Carl and he just wants to get to know you better. It doesn’t matter which city you’re in, or what country town for that matter. If you’re in a car or on the train or swimming at the beach, Carl will be there, within a surprisingly small radius, genuinely curious about what makes you tick. ‘What music are you into?’ Carl will wonder as he lies motionless at the bottom of your sock drawer. ‘Where does she stand politically?’ he will think, balancing atop a blade of your bedroom ceiling fan. He just wants you to let him in.

Carl knows how tough your life can get. You work long hours, your boss won’t cut you a break, and your boyfriend can’t seem to make the time. Carl feels your pain, he’s been there too, the whole time, hiding. Carl reckons the best thing when you’re under a lot of pressure is to talk it out. He’ll listen. He’s there for you, girl, day and night.

When you sleep, Carl listens to you breathe. Just because he’s never more than ten metres away doesn’t mean he isn’t sometimes real close. When he’s feeling brave and your boyfriend isn’t sleeping over he’ll snuggle up next to you for a short time. Just feeling your warmth was enough for a while, but he can’t ignore his feelings anymore.

Carl loves you, okay? There, he said it. He can’t stand back and watch you with this schmuck any longer. You deserve better. Carl deserves better! Remember that time you lost your keys but they showed up out of nowhere? Yeah, you’re welcome. Carl’s gone though hell for you. You think that ski trip in 2009 was fun for Carl? No way. He’s suffered for too long, and this is it. You’ve got a choice. Either start a life with Carl today, or never again will you vaguely feel his presence at all times. Carl may have been less than 10 metres from you for decades, but how far is he from your heart? You decide.

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